Conscious Choice: Conscious Couples

January 1997

Conscious Couples

by Patricia Katherine Novick

My husband and I recently honored our marriage with a gathering of friends. We asked them to participate in a wisdom circle, sharing with each other and with us what they have learned about the nurturance of rich and enduring relationships.

We have cherished and put into practice much of the wisdom that was imparted that day (only regretting that we don’t do better at using more of it), and others who were there say that they, too, gained from participating. There is also gain, as my husband and I learned, from the very process of thinking through and discussing with your partner the wisdom you have acquired by yourself, and the wisdom you have acquired and shared together.

What follows here is an expanded form of wisdom circle. I identified five couples whose relationships seem to me to be characterized by love, growth, and commitment to consciousness, and I asked each of them to describe how they sustain their intimacy and growth as a couple. I also asked the following six questions designed to illuminate the ways in which their awareness extends to the outer world:

• What do you do in personal development that most contributes to the life you make together?
• What rituals or ceremonies do you practice that best express your spiritual commitment?
• In what ways do your approaches to healthy living express your shared values?
• In what ways do your approaches to environmental issues express your shared values?
• What do you create together that best expresses your relationship?
• What’s the best advice you ever received about achieving a full, satisfying life together?

Dr. Dan & Julie Fedeli
Dan is a chiropractor and Julie a healer. They live on the near north side of Chicago.

Our personal development flows from our spiritual paths and practices. Although we do not share the same spiritual path, both of our paths focus on grace and love. We support each other in doing our spiritual practices (meditation, contemplation, chanting, and toning), and we share with each other our experiences and insights. The life we create together is greatly enhanced by the blending of our two different approaches.

Julie: For example, for three and a half years of our relationship I was studying at The Barbara Brennan School of Healing. Obviously, I went through tremendous change, as did Dan and our relationship. I would share with him the teachings I learned, and he integrated them into his life. He is now studying for his Masters in Theology, and is sharing with me his experiences.

The intention of our marriage is to support each other’s awakening. We see our relationship as an integral part of our path home to God. Our wedding contained several ceremonies that focused on our union with God, the Beloved. We made wedding promises — not vows — such as, “You are my Beloved. I commit to heart-centered, clear communication.” We renew and review these promises regularly. We also have many different rituals that support us in seeing God in each other, like anointing each other’s feet, breathing together, and aligning our energy bodies and bringing them into harmony. We explore tantric sexuality. It has been a sacred process of ours to begin to liberate our sexual energy, and trust and honor each other’s sexual expression.

We eat primarily an organic, vegetarian diet. We recognize the importance of physical and spiritual exercise. We believe in a holistic, dynamic model of health that integrates the mind, body, and spirit. We feel that these choices support us in being of service to ourselves, each other, and the world.

We shop consciously. We use non-toxic products. We recycle when possible, and contribute to socially responsible organizations.

We create love. Our love for each other is very strong. We are a resource and reference for people with questions about relationship. Also, we create the ongoing evolution of The Balancing Center as a place for people to integrate, heal, and evolve.

The best advice we have received and that we offer to others is — accept personal responsibility for any issue that you have with your partner. We consistently try to recognize that our issues with the other are really issues with ourselves.

Dan: When we go through hard times, we use our conflicts to mirror back to us what we need to clear personally. I use a process of self-forgiveness to being to heal the issue within me and then return to the loving for Julie and myself.

Julie: I believe that one of the reasons that we are together is to teach and guide each other, and sometimes our conflicts are intense. What makes our relationship “conscious” is that we realize that every challenge that we have is an opportunity to love ourselves more deeply, and to heal anything and everything that creates separation from ourselves, each other, and ultimately — God.

Betsy Densmore & Robert Rechord
Betsy is Executive Director of Chicago Bar Foundation, Robert has an insurance business. They have three children and live in the Indiana Dunes.

Through the courses of Landmark Education, i.e., the Landmark Forum, we discovered the insidious ways that your past colors or constrains relationships and we learned a technology for “cleaning the slate.” For example, our natural styles of communication are different. When Betsy’s upset, she wants to talk all about it. When Robert’s upset, he wants to be quiet. Landmark’s programs teach you how to distinguish and appreciate such differences rather than resisting or trying to change them.

In that a spirit is a “life-giving force,” our rituals are informal ways of acknowledging and encouraging one another. They’re little things. Robert drives Betsy to the train even though it gets him up early. Betsy almost always phones Robert in the afternoon to say hi. Robert does laundry. Betsy always makes sure there’s petty cash. We invent ways to be a “need-meeter.” And just as important, we each delight in being “dependent"!

Betsy is often the one to identify and draw attention to an issue. For example, she was the driving force for our move to the Dunes. But on matters which require steady, sustained action, Robert’s the hero. Betsy will get intensely into a diet or exercise program one week and drop it out of existence the next. Robert sets the standard for things like healthy living because his attention span is much longer and he’s more thorough.

We grew up in very different cultures and areas of the country. Robert’s from Robbins, Illinois, which was a very small, rural place; Betsy’s a Yankee from Worcester, Massachusetts, a fairly sophisticated industrial city. Still, we each have a frugal streak and being together has really strengthened it. This means we drive economy cars, hate to throw anything away, and recycle with a vengeance. Our home must have a “junk room” to store Bobby’s screw collection and the clothes that Betsy will wear someday. At the same time, we try to keep our material needs simple so our home isn’t filled with gadgets or every new fashion.

We seem to create a safe space for others to take risks. We’ve made being different in terms of age, race, and life experience our relationship’s biggest asset. We don’t just tolerate diversity — we delight in it. Between us, we attract a huge range of friends and acquaintances. We love nurturing their unique talents and using our various networks to expand their impact.

Be Here Now. Normally, human beings don’t pay attention to the present moment. We’re always planning what we’re going to say or do next, defending our position or regretting some action we took ten minutes ago. Giving your undivided, unconditional attention to someone is a rare and beautiful act of love. It makes it possible to resolve anything.

Jim & Margot Mueller
Jim is Vice President of Park Ridge Center for Health, Faith, and Ethics, Margot is in public relations. They have two children and live in downtown Chicago.

We make conscious conversation. We honor and respect every person we encounter. This practice is embedded in the awareness of the moment, in the breath we take before we speak.

Our shared commitment to wellness is expressed through creating a comfortable, nurturing home that encourages honest, straightforward expression of beliefs; validation of each other’s experience; respect for each other’s personal space; emotional support; clear air; healthy meals; music; and art. It also includes cultivating and nourishing relationships with friends.

We believe that every creation should be honored. People may think we are a bit strange, but we talk to trees, ants, spiders, and even silverfish. As with people, we see ourselves in relationship with all things. It is difficult in our culture to notice things that don’t have a causal relationship to our lives. Nevertheless, casual disregard for life that is not human fragments creation, ultimately lowering the vibration of the human condition.

Awareness is central for both of us. Jim says, let the relationship take its own form. Margot reminds us: patience.

Mark & Sylvia Neil
Mark and Sylvia are both attorneys. They have two children and live in the North Shore area of metropolitan Chicago.

We value and rely on trust and communication.

We celebrate Shabbat, Jewish and secular holidays, and significant occasions with our family.

We maintain balance in our lives.

We personally involve ourselves in the environment through enjoyment (gardening, trips, hikes), purchases ("green"), and politics (candidates we support, issues we address, and projects we work on with our children).

We continually build our relationship with each other, our family, and our friends...our home.

We have internalized the values of our parents and families of origin, who live happy lives together.

Alyce Sorokie & Jim Wilcox
Alyce is the owner of Partners in Wellness, Jim has a real estate business. They live on the near north side of Chicago.

The thing which most contributes to our lives together is the practice of good, clean communication. We learned the basics through various workshops and seminars. Lots of trial and error have brought us to a place where we can speak our truth and know that we will absolutely be heard.

Each day, regardless of the emotional climate, we focus on each other and light a candle. I’ll tell Alyce, “I care about you.” Alyce says, “ I appreciate you.” We blow out the candle and go about our day. This simple ritual has had a powerful and magical effect on us.

Regular exercise is a big part of our lives. Jim’s emphasis is strength training and Alyce loves long distance running. We incorporate both modalities in our workouts. Health food, vitamins, and occasional fasting support our personal healthy lifestyles.

Aside from supporting the Sierra Club, the World Wildlife Federation, and not littering, we haven’t done much to support the environment. Excuse us while we get conscious and run out to buy a recycling bin and plant a tree. Thanks for the wake-up question!

We create an atmosphere of trust and caring for each other. The ingredients we use are humor, truth, passion, clean fighting (usually), and hard work on ourselves.

Jim: We compromise. Alyce: Anything can be healed if both parties have the intention of resolution.

Patricia Katherine Novick, Ph.D. is a therapist in private practice.

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