Conscious Choice: The Health Hazards of Nice

February 2003

The Health Hazards of Nice

by Gina Rae Hendrickson

The mantra "If you can’t say something Nice, don’t say anything at all," has captured many of us in its attractive web. By keeping silent or not saying what you mean, Nice often translates into a pleasant and agreeable approach that supports the needs of others instead of your own.

Many promote Nice as an essential social lubricant because it seems to create fewer complications. Concealing your needs behind compulsory pleasantry might fulfill the short-term goal of keeping things smooth. However, this withholding pattern can contribute to unmet needs and may lead to repressed resentment, chronic stress, and eventual burnout.

Chronic stress, exacerbated by resentment, negatively affects our health. Research shows this results in ailments such as ulcers, digestive problems, headaches, and lower back pains. Unchecked, these ailments can grow into debilitating life concerns.

The good news is that modifying the selfless role of Nice and taking responsibility for yourself by supporting yourself and expressing your needs is good for you and those you love and work with.

Motivations Behind Selfless Giving

Often being pleasant and agreeable and supporting others is a means of wanting to be liked while avoiding: conflict, hurting people’s feelings and saying no. Behind the selfless giving, Nice people often secretly crave acceptance, gratitude, and even indebtedness from others.

Often we don’t think twice about inconveniencing ourselves to accommodate the schedules of others. After all, doesn’t that distinguish you as a good person? Operating from our overblown sense of obligation to take care of others, we don’t even think about ourselves — until later — usually when we realize our own needs were not met.

When we find ourselves not being nurtured as well as we nurture others, or when our sacrifices are not fully appreciated, internalized resentments can build up. In order to maintain the agreeable image of Nice, we then have to control our emotions by withholding them. The withholding pattern continues until the discontent reaches a crisis point and we either become explosive toward others or internalize and get sick. Suffering rarely leads to a good outcome.

Costs of Ignoring Our Personal Needs

Many of us raised as children to be Nice grow into adults thinking that asking for what you need would be selfish. Yet, discounting your needs in favor of taking care of others may make you look like you are a good team player, when in reality it can be a vehicle for self-neglect. Supporting others then becomes the substitute for taking care of oneself.

What is the price of remaining passive and silent on your own behalf? It’s generally agreed by the medical world that many illnesses have a link to repressed emotions. According to psychologist Brad Blanton, author of Radical Honesty, "Most problems stem from not telling the truth." A big part of Nice is to tell the world "I’m fine," even when you’re not.

Blanton asserts that the kind of lying that is most deadly is keeping back information from those you think would be affected by it. "It is being untruthful to yourself and others, not the hectic pace of the modern world that is the major source of human stress".

Caroline Myss, medical expert and author of Anatomy of the Spirit, suggests that living with negative situations and not trying to change those conditions is poison to our biological system. Myss contends that ongoing resentment from passively going along with agendas that do not meet our needs breeds negativity. Chronic negativity breeds illness.

However, the incentives to be Nice have a strong pull — strong enough to inspire many of us to ignore our own needs indefinitely despite the costs. Usually it takes intense discomfort and disillusionment to force people to confront the reality that Nice is not the life skill we once thought it was.

What’s next, if Nice doesn’t work?

While we all need to love and be loved, we need to have reverence for ourselves and cultivate our own spirit before pursuing the task of providing support for others. If you want to be a good team player, the best thing you can do for yourself and your team — be it your family, or workplace, or community group, is to make sure your needs are addressed along with others in some fashion. Remember, care of the self is the primary starting point for a responsible and healthy foundation for caring for others.

Because our focus may have been highly attuned to others’ needs for so long, getting in touch with your own needs is the first step toward healthier living. Start with a series of small steps. Internally, check in with yourself regularly: When I leave a situation, do I feel satisfied that I supported myself? Do I hide behind the mask of pleasantry instead of revealing my true self? Once you check in with yourself, you have an important question to ask: Am I willing to take personal responsibility and support myself by telling the truth about what I really need, ask for assistance, and then act on my own behalf?

Ask yourself, who is someone I could start telling the truth to about my needs? By practicing small acts of courage with the parking lot attendant, strangers, or your friends, you can venture out to getting your needs met in more significant arenas.

What will you experience once you leave Nice? You might find that you feel more constructive to others from the inside out. Chances are high you will experience relief from the out-of-control feeling caused by the passivity of being Nice and enjoy a stronger sense of self. Follow the motto "Do it for you; it will be good for others." When you are true to yourself, all else falls properly into place. You’ll also find these simple but important changes will have profound and healing effects on your life.

Gina Rae Hendrickson is a business dispute mediator, teaches negotiation courses and is a freelance writer based in Santa Barbara, CA. Contact her at ginarae@earthlink.net.

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