November 2006
Orgasms Unraveled
The Truth about Tantric Sex
By Kimberly Nichols
Six years ago, I was invited to a “tantric” party held by fellow spiritual-seekers hoping to reclaim the lost art of sacred intimacy. Despite our best intentions, the party devolved into a glorified orgy of people desperately (albeit compassionately) trying to connect to the sacred through the sexual. No matter how much love I felt among those innocent seekers, I also sensed that we were mucking up the true meaning of an ancient philosophy.
Thus began my search for the essence of tantra. Tantra, it seems, didn’t start with sex at all. Shiva Rea, surfer and renowned LA-based yoga instructor, explains that tantra originated in “an entire pre-Vedic spiritual culture centered around the intention to reawaken the dormant life energy we all are born with.” Through tantra, continues Rea, “our consciousness becomes altered and we realize that we are connected to everything, which in turn begins to instruct our lives.”
Once the student grasps the power of this internal energetic connection, he or she can begin to apply it to all practices of everyday life—of which sex is only a part.
In classical tantric sex, the orgasm is the trivial element in an otherwise masterful experience. The sacred occurs in the dance of two people bringing themselves slowly—with tantalizing concentration—to the point right before orgasm, and then holding the powerful energy in that place with pointed effort.
“Popular myths about tantric sex leading to seven hours of lovemaking are not about the sex itself but about prolonging the arousal period towards an altered state of consciousness,” explains tantra teacher Mark Michaels, co-author with his partner, Patricia Johnson, of The Essence of Tantric Sexuality (Llewellyn Publications).
“Sex is a sacred connection,” continues Johnson. “With tantra it becomes a way of practicing deep connection to another through a variety of methods—the ritual use of essential oils and sexual fluids, the practice of keeping the eyes open during intercourse for deep, intimate gazing, the powerful effects of changing the way we breathe during sex, of explorations in kissing, of creating mutual energy and of conscious touch. It’s a commitment that goes beyond the honeymoon period of love.”
Tantra teacher Charles Muir, who along with his wife Caroline leads couples’ workshops all over the world, speaks passionately about this commitment.
“When couples originally get together, it’s the chemistry that bonds them,” he explains. “This period usually fades and that’s when our problems begin. But in tantric sexuality, this is where we become true alchemists! This is where we begin the dance of fine-tuning the instruments of our bodies and minds to create a constant state of intensified union. We realize that we can use our energy to change the way we feel, and that sex goes beyond just a physical or biological urge.”
In her popular Showtime series Sexual Healing, Dr. Laura Berman instructs disconnected couples to use tantric exercises to promote a reconnection and a return to lost intimacy. Through the acknowledgement of and re-introduction to the benefits of taking time together, of constantly engaging and exploring quiet, gentle touch and non-intercourse based sensate experience, she purports that couples will re-engage with not only their sense of togetherness but also their understanding of their own needs.
“The true rewards come through the juicy aliveness that couples begin to feel that is carried out into their everyday lives,” explains Muir. “It’s exciting when couples begin to realize they would rather hit the pause button on their DVDs and save the movie for later, rather than save the sex for later, because sex is integrally tied to their health, wellbeing and energy overall.”
Although Muir believes that, “The essence of this practice is about love and energy,” he puts an emphasis on intention rather than long-term commitment. “As long as you have that intention in your heart,” he says, “you can practice tantric sensuality with another. Two people who are not together but who are open to experiencing this consciousness with another can also practice this.”
Foreplay to the Foreplay
That the Western world has exploited the sexual element of tantra comes as no surprise. Ours is a society based on the external, where clothes, gadgets, pop culture preferences and iPod accessories represent our main tools of connecting to likeminded others.
Shiva Rea warns that we should be cautious on our road towards reawakening tantra—which she views as inherent in our nature—into our lives. “It’s important to not use tantra as an exotic brand of identification,” she says, “but to understand that it is a constant environment of study.”
Muir adds that “the most important thing is to seek out a teacher whom you trust. There are a lot of people out there masquerading as gurus for all the wrong reasons, but there are also many true resources.” Some of the latter he has co-created with his wife and partner, Caroline. Through their books and workshops, the two have transformed many confusing concepts of tantric sensuality into real, practical points of introduction for the newly initiated seeker.
Tantric sexual rituals, exercises and meditations are largely derived from ancient books that depict a dialogue between the Hindu god Shiva and his female consort Shakti. But Rea points out that the bulk of current popular books on the subject include only small pieces of the whole, and recommends the writings of Georg Feuerstein, author of many modern interpretations of tantra.
In Feuerstein’s own extractions from these texts, he writes that all tantra students should understand certain things before making the commitment to tantric study, including the fact that tantric study will create access to the reservoirs of psychic power we are all born with. In doing so, he cautions, we should never exploit these gifts to our gain, as in the case with sexuality, but instead determine to use the newfound energy responsibly.
The popularity of Eastern religious, spiritual and philosophical concepts in the West has been fed to millions of us who have opened our hungry hearts to train in new ways of conscious living. But to get there, we must balance earnest seeking with keen discernment, striving to separate the seeds of truth from the ego-driven interpretations—especially when concerning our most sacred and intimate acts.
Kimberly Nichols is a Palm Springs-based freelance writer.
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